• Colonel

Guest Blog - How to Prepare for Fenway Park Season

Updated: Apr 7

We inch closer and closer our collective opportunity to go to the only stadium worth going to, that of course being Fenway Park! So, here’s a five step guide for how you can most effectively prepare to go watch the Sox play live and in person.

1. Don't Pregame too Hard

One of the most frustrating aspects of going to a sporting event with twenty-something degenerates is the common fallacy that you’re there to get hammered. No. Not the case. Beers and vodka sodas are fun but leave the Mcgillicuddy’s at home and save them for your next wedding and/or court date. Being drunk on the T or in an Uber is cool for some, but by the third inning you will quickly realize that you will not make it the full nine and will most likely start to feel the effects of being hungover by Sweet Caroline. I know this all makes me sound like a nerd, but I’m something of an expert at getting held in stadium custody and getting my picture put on the wall (Up yours, TD Garden). It’s a crowded place and bumping into the wrong person will most likely result in fisticuffs, which leads me to number two…

2. Bring a Concealable Weapon

Possession of brass knuckles are illegal in the state of Massachusetts and punishable by fine ranging from 50 to 1000 dollars. I probably am required by law to say that I do not endorse or participate in such acts. However, that Blue Jays fans just tried to cut you in line for the bathroom thus meaning he thinks he’s better than you.

3. Have a Plan for the Jumbotron

Getting on the jumbotron is an exciting experience for any sports fan. It’s a really big screen and your face was just on it. You’re literally famous now. Every single and unhappily married woman in the ballpark will be fawning over you for the duration of the game and probably the next week. Have a plan, though. Do something cool, like a dance that the teens are doing. Do a couple air humps. Present a capacity crowd with a full view of your bare ass. Do the dab. The obvious answer is to chug the drink in your hand, but you run the risk of coughing it up or not being able to finish which will make the entire crowd think you’re a massive bitch. But, if that’s a risk you’re willing to take then go for it.

4. Be Ready for Stray Balls

Whether it be a home run, foul ball or a just a ball that a player or foul-line ball girl threw in the crowd, game used baseballs are priceless artifacts. You might as well be holding a million dollars in the palm of your hand. Receiving one is an unforgettable experience and will definitely be worth the bodily harm you put yourself through to throw yourself in position to get one. A common baseball tradition is that you’re supposed to give the ball to a kid to plant a love of the game in a young fan’s heart. Well fuck that. That’s stupid. I caught it, and its mine now. Tell the little bastard to get his own souvenir at the team store across the street.


Easily the worst Fenway tradition by a mile is the wave. It was fun when I was like 9, but I’m an adult now and I don’t feel like getting out of my seat, putting my hands up and going “wwWWOOOooaaaa”. It’s a sinking feeling, when you start to see the right field bleachers collectively fan their arms up and down. Then it reaches the first base line seats. It’s creeping up on you. You’re comfortable seated position is about to be compromised cause people think the wave will help us win at sports. Please don’t participate in this childish activity. Please don’t make me move. Please don’t force the other attendees that are there to watch a baseball game participate in this highschool pep-rally bullshit. Thank you for reading.

42 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All