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  • Writer's pictureStimmy Burner

Guest Blog - The Highs and Lows of the 4th

Today's guest blog comes to us from none other than Stimmy Burner - Beer League softball extraordinaire. Been waiting for him to write a blog since I started this wretched thing. Today he takes the plunge.

Like the follower I am, I thought I'd give sub stacks a try. I've never written in a blog format before, but I am a published poet in Young Writers of America circa '03. That being said, let's dive in (just googled if it's "lets" or "let's").

I was going to only list all of the best moments of 4th of July weekend, but it didn't seem fair to the low points to leave them out. So, for every high point I'll try and offer a counter.

High: Waking Up on the Friday of 4th of July Weekend

Pretty self explanatory, whole weekend still ahead of you, figured we'd start slow.

Low: Getting Through the Fakest Half Day of Work Do absolutely nothing, half the people in meetings are in their car sitting in traffic with the camera off, but it's still miserable. Just an inconvenience, and I wish companies would start to realize how nobody works that day anyway and make it a company-wide holiday. High: Driving to the Vacation House Preferably early morning. Sausage egg and cheese, medium iced coffee, and some EDM song your buddy found. As for the vacation house / rental itself, for most of us, that's going to be a Cape house with siding that hasn't been maintained since the first Bush administration, but I'd argue cape houses are better when they're run down. More character. At this point someone might argue "what if you're not going anywhere for the 4th" well if that's you this stack was never really for you. Low: Unpacking Sucks. Never doesn't. High: The Landlords Electric Bill More so a pun on the use of the word "high" but if I'm at a rental, the AC is set to sub 60 the entire weekend. This is kind of a worn down take at this point but felt it was worth noting in the summer heat. Another High: Golf Specifically, looking back into the carriage of the cart on the first hole, and seeing 6 or 7 beers that you snuck on the course sitting on ice. Even Higher: Beach Cooler The fully packed cooler. Maybe a YETI (hardo) but it's filled to the brim in ice and beverages of your choosing.

Kicker: having deli subs wrapped in white paper and a rubber band sitting at the top of the ice. We're Going Low: Carrying the Cooler For most young guys spending the weekend with their family, that burden typically falls on you. The sand is a cool 110 degrees, your flip flops are kicking the sand back up into your legs, your indecisive family can't figure out where the fuck they want to sit.

Spinzone: slight pump ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ High: Ocean Bathroom We all use it, don't act like you're above it. High Again: Outdoor Showers Kicker: enjoying a drink while in the outdoor shower. Low: Post Shower Sunburn Getting out of the shower and realizing how burnt you are on day 1 of the trip, and now you have to deal with it for the entire weekend. High: Barbecue Nothing to it. Don't need some over the top smoker, or a green egg that is literally your entire personality, just a Coleman, burgers, and dogs. Specific favorite of mine, seeing all the hot dogs and burgers stacked up on a plate for the taking. Low: Post Food If you enjoy the last bullet as much as I do, at this point you've had a cheeseburger and two dogs, and boy do you hate yourself now. The buzz has worn off because you sobered up from the food, and you're now coming to terms with the fact that your barrel is there to stay and only getting worse. High: The Bar Specifically, that moment when you're walking over to an open high top table where you can park yourself for 4 hours and drink frozen drinks and devour raw bar. If you don't like raw bar, grow up.

Kicker: Live music Low: The Bar Obviously, the bar doesn't always work that way. Sometimes you pull up to a bar and they're turning over the crowd from the day crowd to the night crowd, and now you're stuck in line for two hours because your friends were too ignorant to leave right when the bouncer told you it was happening.

Kicker: the bouncer randomly picks which IDs are fake because he's down 76% YTD on shitcoin and wants to try and ruin someone else's night. High: Frozen / Fruity Drinks Hinted at it earlier, but felt this needed more attention. In order: 1. Painkiller 2. Mudslide 3. Pina Colada 4. Novelty Punch Bowl Drinks 5. Daiquiri Low: Weight Gain The average mudslide has 820 calories, that's more than two McDoubles. Wish I never looked that up honestly.

Editor's Note: Heavily considered deleting this part. Don't need that kind of negativity heading into the weekend. But, unfortunately, censoring free speech is not in the spirit of the weekend so now we all have to know that information. Fuck. High: Being Hungover Most of you probably read that and thought "that's got to be a typo". Nope. Being grossly hungover with your buddies is hysterical. Kicker: violent puke noises.

Low: Smell of Sunscreen

I'm anti sunscreen smell. Not all sunscreen but the coppertone SPF100 spray type that gets caught in your throat. For some reason it reminds me of the rich / spoiled kids in middle school with over protective mothers. Personal favorite: Banana Boat spray with tanning oil. "YoU'lL gEt MeLaNomA" yup, and I'll look good too.

Back to Back Lows: Taking Your Shirt Off

Spinzone: Watching your buddies make eye contact figuring out who's going to be the first one to take their shirt off around a group of girls.

*Warning* Controversial Low: Fireworks

Not all fireworks but Town run fireworks. Loud, babies crying, dogs freaking out, call me un-American, but I'm not a fan.

Spinzone: Illegal fireworks driven down from New Hampshire. That's my kind of firework. Nothing better than the morning of July 5th watching videos of people hitting their friends with roman candles. "Put it in reverse Terry!"

Also a classic, those little gunpowder filled bags you throw at your buddies. Someone's always the first to think of them and scares the shit out of the first person they hit.

Ending on a High Note: Late Night Kitchen Table Beers

Talking about nonsense, "Is Frank Gore a hall of fame running back", "who had the biggest let down of a high school athletic career". "was January 6th an act of terror" whatever!

Alright time to wrap this up.

My Top 4th of July Beers:

1. Bud Heavy - American looking can, I don't drink them but they're aesthetically pleasing in a cooler

2. Miller Lite

3. Bud Light

4. Corona - Country was built on imports

5. Twisted Tea - Not a beer but cracks me up watching people still house these

6. Coors - Dad beer

7. Sam Adams Porch Rocker - Shout out Larryhoover, great beer, but drink too many and your mouth tastes weird


Some EDM tempo that will hopefully make your friends say "Where'd you find this?!"

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